| i am starting to be better. i have friends now which is a plus. they rock and love music and it just makes me smile. i have decided that im going to try and work this thing out with God...i miss him just not enough...sad i know. im just being rebellious in a less than rebellious way i guess. i do know that i am vowing to not have sex until im married...which is going to be one heck of a challenge! so we'll see. oh sigh. i was thinking seriously about college mostly to get back at alex so now that i don't have that revenge thing in my head i have no desire to go...but i do want to move to kansas city after a while...which would be huge for me so we'll see what happens...im just enjoying life and living it at this point. and getting tatoos...i got two already...i want a few more! |
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| why you feel the need to pull me back to tear my heart out when it was you who started this non talking business and now im just supposed to tell you about my life and be happy and make you feel ok for what you did to me and poor brownie...no way. i'm telling you all the things that i never want to say and the things that need to be said. im laying it to rest...not because i want to but because i want to live and not under your shadow. i need to be free of these chains and not let you rule my thoughts and actions. i love you...i hate saying that. but i do and therefore i can't talk to you and be your friend because it hurts too much to try and hide my feelings and hopes. they have to be buried. dead. and the only way they won't come back to haunt me is if you see that...im sure you'll be angry and upset but i can't care anymore. i have to do it for me...i have to run. (not into your arms...they are no longer open to my embrace) and i can't pretend that everything is how it once was or could ever be...there's no way in hell...you are someone i don't know anymore. you have caused me great pain. but i still long to talk to you and i can't. |
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| i've been tearing myself apart for a man who leaves me for an uglier chubbier girl just bc she goes to college and one month after i leave my baby brownie dies...what a dick. he didn't tell me i got a text from our neighbors...but i got a facebook message saying i didn't want to tell you i was going to ask if you would take her but i waited too long and she died...UGHHHH. how did i ever think i could have kids with a person who can't even put themself aside just enough to take care of a dog???? she wasn't even a year old yet. im so disappointed in him. the man i saw once and the man i knew he could be...he is now the complete opposite and i am disgusted...not with his face but his character makes him so ugly that i can't even come to my senses on why i love him...but im done...im laying him and his memories in a grave forever...i can't do this anymore...
im so sad at the loss of something so cute, that i put so much time in...and he didn't care bc he has a new life better than hers and doesn't want to think of me when he looks at her...pathetic. and i fell for that??????
i hate this. i miss him...and i will probably always love who he was...but i can't love this...and i choose not to.
i find it odd that memories of joe are resurfacing...i think bc alex wanted me to become what he wanted himself to be and joe let me be me...and i have me again...and i love it. things aren't perfect but they are better. im trying to read the word again but i haven't yet prayed...i still resent God for always putting me at the bottom and people like alex at the top...that's the world yes...but you know job was an on top of the world kinda guy yes God took it away but he gave it all back................i just don't get it. pain is always present.
i have to say that i have a crush which shocks me bc it's sooo soon...idk what to think about it but although he'd be a great friend i have to say he's the best man i know...and i don't even know him fully... |
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| i wish he would just be the person i need him to be but that's not happening anytime soon. half of me knows the truth and the other half still holds to some crazy belief that he will just show up at my door and ask for forgiveness....that's not happening...and i know it...im all alone in this big house this weekend and i couldn't be lonlier. it's driving me insane. i just don't understand. and i can't just let him go. but he's already let me go....and i realize this...i just can't seem to take it in...im having a really bad weekend. |
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